Chris Pratt Gets Existential About God and Poop in MTV Movie & TV Awards Acceptance Speech

Chris Pratt accepted the Generation Award at Monday night’s MTV Movie & TV Awards, a well-timed honor before “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” claws into theaters this weekend. Still riding high from his role in $2 billion spring juggernaut “Avengers: Infinity War,” Pratt wrote not just a speech but a mini-manifesto that segued from spiritual to scatological and back again.

In between takes at the ceremony — held Saturday night at Santa Monica, Calif.’s Barker Hangar — host Tiffany Haddish even joked, “I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely going to go to Pastor Chris’ church.”

On hand at to present Pratt’s Golden Popcorn trophy was his former “Parks and Recreation” wife, Aubrey Plaza, and current co-star in the “Jurassic World” franchise, Bryce Dallas Howard. His predecessors include Sandra Bullock, Adam Sandler, and the “Fast & Furious” ensemble, who shared the 2017 title. Below, read the nine life rules he passed along to the next generation.

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1. Breathe. If you don’t, you’ll suffocate.
2. You have a soul. Be careful with it.
3. Don’t be a turd. In this real world, it is illegal to slap people. Don’t take advantage of that fact. If you’re strong, be a protector, and if you’re smart, be a humble influencer. Strength and intelligence can be weapons, and do not wield them against the weak. That makes you a bully. Be bigger than that!
4. When giving a dog medicine, put the medicine in a little piece of hamburger. They won’t even know they’re eating medicine.
5. Doesn’t matter what it is, earn it. It feels good. Five bucks earned is better than 10 bucks given to you every time. If you feel like crap, look at your life: What do you have that you didn’t earn? Do something to earn it. A good deed, reach out to someone in pain, be of service; it feels good and it’s good for your soul.
6. God is real, God loves you, God wants the best for you. Believe that. I do.
7. If you have to poop at a party, but you’re embarrassed, because you’re going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do: Lock the door, sit down, get all the pee out first, okay? And then, once all the pee’s done, poop, flush, boom. You minimize the amount of time that the poop is touching the air, because if you poop first, it take you longer to pee, then you’re peeing on top and it’s stirring it up, the poop particles create a cloud, goes out, and then everyone in the party will know that you pooped. Just trust me, it’s science.
8. Learn to pray. It’s easy, and it’s so good for your soul. You just close your eyes, you list off people for which you are grateful, ask for protection for the people you love. You don’t ask God to help you win the big game or anything, just ask him for the strength to accept the outcome, no matter what. Pray. Don’t be embarrassed by it. You let people see you do it, it’s good for their soul, too.
9. Nobody is perfect. Nobody. None of us, not you. People are going to tell you you’re perfect just the way you are — you’re not! You are imperfect. You always will be. But, there is a powerful force that designed you that way. And it loves you, it accepts you for exactly who you are. It forgives you for your flaws no matter what they are. And if you’re willing to accept that, you will have grace. And grace is a gift. And like the freedom that we enjoy in this country, that grace was paid for with somebody else’s blood — do not forget it. Don’t take it for granted. It’s a gift for which none of us are worthy, so do your best to earn it. Just be kind, don’t be a bully, be of service, do not be a turd. God bless you, please get home safely.

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